Wood Chopping Emperor

No less than 14 verses to tell you just a tiny bit about the bizarre family relations of European Royals, who many believe could have prevented WW1. I wrote this song in June 2015.



1. There was a German emperor
Born in (18)59
He had a pretty bad temper
Which led to his decline
His granny was Victoria
Yes, the famous queen
And when she died in 1901
At her bed he could seen

Victoria was his mother’s name
His granny’s and his wife’s
He loved Augusta Victoria
But he lacked a victorious life

2. He had two lovely cousins*
One was the Prince of Wales
The other Nicholas Russian Tsar
Two mighty royal males
Their faces looked identical
You’d swear that they were twins
Their Viking mother’s royal blood
Was running through their veins

There wasn’t a single chancellor
A minister or a prince
Who dared to speak against those men
Of their Godly selves convinced

3. Now those three royals ruled their lands
But didn’t have much to do
They loved to train their hunting skills
And joke about chasing Jews
But Billy the German emperor
Whatever the doctors tried
They couldn’t heal his crippled arm
A secret he couldn’t hide

His mother allowed only Englishmen
Germans she deemed no-good
But it was an English doctor’s hand
That crippled his arm forgood

4. In (18)81 the old Tsar was killed
And Nicholas blamed the Jews
They fooled the ignorant Russians and soon
Pogroms reached the news
Not one word of an emperor
A king or prince or queen
Their silence sowed the evil germs
Not just in Germany

But Billy wasn’t a silent man
His racist family pride
Made him incite in West Africa
The Herero Genocide!

5. In (18)88 his grandpa died
And so his daddy did
So there was Wilhelm at 29
Emperor Billy The Kid
He learnt to annoy the chancellor
He knew every little trick
And when he thought his time had come
He sent the pilot off the ship

Now Billy was guiding Germany
To win its place in the sun
So he sent his soldiers overseas
To fight and kill like the Hun

6. In 1901 his granny died
And so his mommy did
Victoria spoilt him like grannies do
His mommy got all the shit
She made him strong, the English way
So hardship was his fate
And of course she loved her royal boy
But all he felt was hate

He loved to change in a childish way
His uniform to amuse
Like once he did with the Russian Tsar
And his secret friends in tutus

7. Now since our Billy was all alone
Together with his wife
His big talk made the events unroll
And he couldn’t avoid the strife
He sent his army all over the place
Cocky and full of contempt
For the lives of all those ignorant men
Not knowing for what they were sent

His army roused to fever pitch
To fight against the French
While none of his royal family
Ever dug one trench!

8. The Germans all saw the curse of war
When royal beings go mad
And how a drop of their blood could stir
Millions of bajonets
They put an end to the fairy tales
The cheating and the lies
Connected to every monarchy
While subjects pay the price

On 9-11 in 1918
A republic was proclaimed
No more young vigorous soldiers
To be crippled, dead or maimed

9. Tis not a matter of left or right
It’s all about right and wrong
To push a newborn in such a role
High up a holy throne
To stage a family nearer to God
If any of such exists
Will only attract the hungry rats
From the depths of the sewerage

So old belief in national pride
And a royal family
Like Holland, Spain and Belgium
Is modern-day bigotry

10. To underline my republican plea
Here is an important verse
I’ll tell you the end of Billy’s life
A story quite perverse
The Dutch gave Billy, to please their queen
Of Prussian royal blood,
Refuge in Doorn in 1919
Ignoring the slain in the mud

Of course they let him pay a fair price
But justice wasn’t at stake
Twas all for Wilhelmina
Her purse and her royal façade

11. The Dutch didn’t even think about
Bringing the outlaw to court
Some say he made a secret deal
To keep Holland out of the war
Whatever happened no one knows
It happened in secrecy
A system of private backroom deals
That’s a true monarchy

Objecting no one ever could
No glimpse of democracy
A secret castle in the woods
Neutral hypocracy

12. While Billy led his silent life
Chopping tree after tree
The world was covered in wailing cries
Of mourning families
Mothers hardly recognized
Their sons as they came home
Images aging on the walls
Young widows left alone

The emperor chopped and chopped the trees
His left hand always low
Still unaware of reality
Put his anger in every blow

13. Now if you ever come to Doorn
And walk there silently
Imagine a thousand lives were lost
For every tree you’ll see
Imagine a mental institute
Full of crooked minds
At your feet the bones that once kept up
The most dangerous fool of mankind

The emperor chopped and chopped the trees
And even when Hitler came
He was lightyears away of reality
Asking to join the game

14. Now here’s my last verse to conclude
But just before I stop
Allow me to tell you of one more king
Most brutal at the top
King Leopold II of Belgium
Still mounted on his horse
Robbed African rubber and ivory
And got away with a black Holocaust

Tis not those dead royal men I hate
But just the whole idea
That people till today defend
A royal family!


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